A Lighthouse moment - the seductive power of Helping
Carolyn Didsbury reflects on a coaching moment of realisation in this latest APECS Blog - how coaching can feel like the lighting the way, steering a client rather than encouraging them to think for themselves.
These astute comments from John Whittington are ringing in my ears,
"As a result of the potent combination of our wanting to help - to make a difference - and the hidden dynamics in our clients' system, we can unintentionally get seduced and recruited - whether that is by an individual, team or whole organisation - and feel entangled.
The power of the invisible dynamics that we can all get caught in are greatly softened and can turn into a real resource when we give up wanting to help, rescue, heal, lead, fix or take responsibility for another person or team. The stance of systemic coaching and constellations is to lean out, not in. To be useful from a respectful distance, in service of the whole. This is essential if you really respect your clients and want to make a lasting difference without getting in the way."
In a recent coaching session, I caught myself really wanting to help solve my client’s problem – after all, I was so sure that I could see exactly what needed to be done. I became completely hooked in the detail as I offered various resources to help.
As I did this, I noticed how I was leaning forward towards the Zoom screen, how tense my shoulders had become and how hard I was trying. At this point, my own ‘Wise Coach’ kicked in as I realised what was happening and, in that moment, I shared this awareness with my client. Unsurprisingly, this led us back to a true coaching space from more of a ‘helping, fixing, rescuing’ space. As we continued the session, I consciously ‘leaned out’…..and of course, my client was perfectly capable of finding their own way forward…..especially when I wasn’t in the way!
When we are too keen to "help", "improve", "better" with/for our clients, we are bringing an agenda. However seductive, the coach’s agenda is not the heart of coaching.